When you hate your husband so much, the reason could be because. However, you will stop hating your husband when you acknowledge your role in the situation. When spouses dont respect each other, they stop being responsible. You can even lead by replicating some of those times. Otherwise, its bound to bring out hatred in one person. Our first responsibility is ALWAYS to our minor children. June 18, 2015, 9:21 am, Haha, I thought the impaling comment was overly strange too, but in my mind presumed it was preggo hormones making her overreact. I think this letter writer is giving off the impression of being a bit self-centered and entitled and it might be helpful to point this out to her. To begin with, when you hate your husband, it doesnt necessarily mean you have no feelings for them anymore. For a few weeks or months. If you really can't get on with their family and are no longer on speaking terms, allow your partner to continue their relationship with them on. I think it is important the letter writer is honest with herself and her husband about this before they commit to buying a house. I hear you. We think they have failed and hate them when they dont meet our unrealistic expectations. . Accept that he can never be the charming prince you see on the television. June 18, 2015, 9:38 am, I like Wendys response. Last night I screamed in frustration and agony from the stupidity of the argument and the overwhelming hurt and loneliness of my feelings. I am leaving a different comment than the rest.I am on the lw side.It seems like the husband is not really taking that good care of his mother.Just being in the same house does not equal care.I bet most of the care is on the lw.She cannot handle that with being so pregnant and going to school so it looks to me the care this lady really is getting is lacking.First off why are the pee pads just sitting there?Hubby should be picking them up many times a day then scrubbing the floor each time.Why is her room gross?Hubby should be cleaning that daily also.Since he does not work he should be cleaning her whole house daily also.Her hygene is lacking?Hubby should be taking care of that too.I bet the lw does most of the work and is just very overwhelmed.I would not bring a newborn in to that situation right therebut then there is a very scary safety situation with mil wanting to pick up newborn and she falls alot.Then the germs this mil creates with her dirty ways.Hubby is not really taking care of her and I say this because if he really was none of thease things would even be a issue.It is time for the sake of mil being safe and looked after in the right way to be placed somewhere.Also for the baby to be safe.If hubby does not do that no matter how much you love him I would leave if I was her just to keep the baby safe.In the usa this lack of care would be called elder abuse and comes with a jail term.I worked in nurseing homes.Even with staff to help it was the hardest job I ever had. June 18, 2015, 8:22 am. June 18, 2015, 11:29 am. Depending on how bad she really is you could already be financially exploiting her and thats elder abuse. Still, it's important not to bad mouth or criticize your in-laws to your spouse. Marriage doesnt mean you stopped treating your partner like you used to when you were courting. BLOG. Slooooow clap for Wendy!!! )and its very different. bricklink greef karga. And personally, I think a little sympathy would be more helpful in getting her to think rationally and kindly about the situation than telling her shes being entitled and being a bad person. You should be more concerned when you frequently hate things about your husband. Its a great solution and if you can find the entire building for sale, its actually often cheaper to purchase than a home that would provide you with the same amount of rooms. They probably werent stationed anywhere near the MIL so her condition was a surprise. It could be visiting her frequently and driving her to appointments, as he/you have been doing, and taking her out for recreational activities (as opposed to just letting her basically rot in her own filth in her bedroom all day and night). Stop wanting and do it. You might hate your husband because he prioritizes only himself. Accept that he can never be the charming prince you see on the television. The fact that Mom is providing the roof currently does not give her carte blanche for any and all bad behaviour. If they moved in with his mom because they were always planning to buy a house with her and care for her and a medical discharge just pushed everything to happen faster, that is more understandable. My husband's sister has lived in another state since before I met him. Sometimes she stepped up and was a wonderful grandmother, but most of the time she didn't. Each time she let my husband down, like when he realized that she had only seen our new baby three. As a result, you begin to project your fears on your husband and marriage. The temporary hatred you feel often fades once your husband changes or you get what you want. Hopefully your children treat you better when you are your MILs age than youre treating your MIL. Talk about sweet! I think it is time you all started looking into retirement community-type things. The challenge to my marriage. What does it mean to. Not knowing what her MIL was going on isnt an excuse to ditch her and move on. 5. It is his first responsibility to see to the needs of his wife and children, including the stepchild. Not only does she sound like a danger to her grandchildren or anyone else living with her, which youve made clear is your concern, she is a danger to herself. Im sure she *wants* to do those things, like take care of herself and clean her house, but she physically *cant*. I was simply upset because my baby was crying. TaraMonster Having a vagina does not automatically sign me up to take care of my husbands elderly mother or to act as his social secretary. Another way to stop hating your spouse is to remember the good old days. He's always asking my parents for money and they give to him. I kept thinking what if you need to be taken care of someday by your husband? Why do I feel like I hate my husband? The harsh truth is that you have a vague and unrealistic idea of marriage. I promised my mom that she could live in the east wing of my giant mansionguess whatshes not holding me to a promise I made as a child. Somewhere along the way, this influenced you to have a dysfunctional view on relationships. It could be and really, should be, in your husbands case finding adequate home care or a living environment where his mother will get the physical and medical attention she obviously needs. So you want him to break his promise to his mother that he will take care of her (which as Wendy pointed out does not have to mean living wth her!). June 18, 2015, 10:07 am. The MIL just cant be left to care for herself. They tend to be confrontational and hard headed. Its a daunting prospect to consider and I dont blame the letter writer for wanting out (on a purely emotional level). Shes not capable of it, nor is it morally right to leave someone high and dry just because you cant do it yourself. It sounds like she may have lasting effects from her stroke (judgment issues, memory issues, etc) and who knows, maybe she has other issues as well. If your husband doesnt care about your opinion or values but only what matters to him, it will cause a rift between you. Hey, drama queen, I think you dropped your tiara. Turns out my daughter had tried to wake him up for juice, his mom told her not to wake him and that she would get it for her. He has directly told me that Im simply hormonal and Im just using my childrens safety as an excuse to get my way. Radical thought, I know Sigh. You might say, I hate my husband, because he has hurt you a lot in the past. Im sympathetic to the LW. We will present possible reasons why some wives hate their husbands and solutions for the same. One such situation might make you say, I hate my husband. The first step to solving this problem is knowing why you cant see eye-to-eye with your spouse. I grew up in a family that didnt make the human body sinful or sexual in nonsexual situations. Its a great setup but hard to get into, no? You complain, complain, complain about everything you have to do for her and how grossed out you are by her and about this horrible promise your husband made to, gasp, care for his ailing mother, but wouldnt you want your kids to show some care for you if you werent able to care for yourself and they were in a position to help out a little? Nicole Whether you choose to keep him with his new found spine, is up to you. 2. My mother really really hates my husband, Mike*. What Lies Do to a Marriage? She was conscious and present, but she physically had difficulty even just doing that. June 18, 2015, 4:50 pm. In essence, you can hate something or someone you love from time to time when things dont go your way. She definitely needs to be called on that. Once the wife tables her grievances and apologizes, the couple goes right back to loving each other. Had she never visited her? His dad moved states, and they now have a strained relationship. Because with or without LW and husband physically living in the house, mothers life doesnt sound so great, especially compounded by whatever lingering issues from the past stroke, etc. . June 18, 2015, 10:49 am, honeybeenicki to solve the problem. How did you get them?? She got in way over her head. You dont write four paragraphs about how terrible you think she is. Knowing the specific reasons can save your marriage, whether he stopped sending flowers or stopped going on regular dates. * Wow, well I do think this response is pretty harsh. But hatred for ones spouse doesnt surface for no reason. I am not saying she should take care of the baby alone, but there are ways to say things. Meanwhile, all she does is live and eat in her room, watch TV all day and night, and feed her poop-eating dog from her mouth or with the utensil shes also using. I guess Im one the posters that understands how stressful and difficult this situation must be for LW. So I suppose I really not adding much to the conversation here, so I will just end there. Certain events can jerk us back to reality when you find out your soulmate is flawed and imperfect. Once the wife tables her grievances and apologizes, the couple goes right back to. Even life is full of ups and downs. My point: not all families or bonds are the same.) Now that she knows this about herself and also knows caring for her ailing mother-in-law is an unbreakable condition for her marriage, she will hopefully look for solutions that work for everyone. However, things have changed now. The best El Paso TX information website. The famous statement that, You might hate your husband because of the wrong ideas from. Keeping a promise and caring for another these things sound great on paper. That contributes to your extreme hatred for your husband. i hate my husband because of his mother santa margherita chianti classico 2014 intertops sports betting i hate my husband because of his mother May 10, 2022 Speaking of whichwho among you plans to hold your adult child to a promise made when they were younger and living a different situation? Yes, it is if he refuses to reciprocate the love and gesture. The wives of covert narcissist husbands may feel a withering contempt wrapped up in a superficial long-suffering or "helpful" demeanor. One thing you should know that being married to a husband attached to his mother is not always a bad thing. Even if youre overwhelmed and exhausted and hormonal and emotionally drained, the answer is still yeah, its wrong to abandon a loved one who needs care (especially when you no longer need anything from him/her) just because its inconvenient. It was only once I started eating more fruit in my adult life that I started liking sweet treats more. These differences tend to clash when you dont compromise and make individuals incompatible. An experienced therapist will offer you strategic ways to communicate with your spouse. June 18, 2015, 9:37 am. You can completely remove all of the details of the living situation from this letter and theres one thing that still sticks out to me. He learned this strategy early in childhood, often from a harsh and abusive or guilt-inducing . (Little sis called CPS on my father at age 14, claiming he was physically abusing her, which is absolutely not true, and put herself in to foster care. Can your husband take over the majority of the care work for the children, including the baby, while also looking after his mother? Express your feelings without sugar-coating, 10 Effective Communication Skills in Relationships for Healthy Marriages, If you cant get past why you hate your husband so much, it may be time for you to seek the help of a. . So let me see if I understand this. My husband blames him for being an absent dad. I've always worked full time and he's only ever worked 15 to 20 hours. They talk about things, go out often, advise and help each other. You probably thought everything would be rosy forever, but thats not true. . You probably hate him because he is flawed. A central . What am I presuming about you exactly? My parents didnt and dont see what they were doing. Dont be so damn condescending just because you dont believe in how she parented 30 years ago or whenever. We expect it to be a. between two individuals in love who are ready to build a home. This step requires you to be thoughtful and open-minded. You might hate your husband because of the wrong ideas from dysfunctional relationship beliefs that you have unconsciously absorbed from your environment. Hiring a maid or part time help. Dear Wendy Ive seen some wonderfully compassionate but at the same time get-your-shit-together blunt responses to folks who needed to be knocked upside the head multiple times, and Im not sure why those morons deserve the compassion but this lady does not. Those arent excuses. Maybe this means finding a duplex so people can have their own space, or helping MIL downsize to a place that is far more manageable and she can afford a cleaner once or twice a week. I walked around the corner into the kitchen and the knife was right there, almost touching me. It can pave the way for a better relationship. An experienced therapist will offer you strategic ways to communicate with your spouse. It doesnt have to be living with them (while taking their money, ahem). June 18, 2015, 9:53 am. I for one would be going nuts if I were in this situation. I want to know how messed up the husband is from how shitty of a mother he had. I dont think it would have done much if Id hit it, but still. Never asked her husband how she was, what her life was like, how she was managing living alone, post-stroke? This woman is living under a mountain of stress in pretty crappy circumstances with inadequate support. I am always kind and civil and I do ask my husband how she is from time to time but I do not contact her in any way. Why does he even get an opinion?The conversation that needs to happen here is between the LW and the husband. February 24, 2017, 11:43 am. She falls walking on a flat surface with nothing in her hands but she is super mad that my husband and I have made it clear that she will not be caring for the new baby or holding it while walking. She could have written in about the husband and issues with navigating her MILs care and left everything else out. Would she try to pick up the baby while it was sleeping? For those of you who have been raised by loving parents, even in difficult economic circumstances, this must seem like a no-brainer, a challenge but a sacrifice that any moral person should be willing to make. And I still think the LW is being a jerk. I just cant believe you are perfectly fine using your MIL for a place to live now, when you need her but, youre unwilling to help when she needs you. Understand that many of your expectations before marriage will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits. Constant dislike for your spouse shows an underlying problem you need to solve. Right? Oh, come on. February 24, 2017, 11:06 am. If these things suddenly stop in marriage, you may hate your husband. June 18, 2015, 10:02 am. This is particularly if he cannot seem to function without his mother. The thing is if she wasnt happy she should have moved out. He doesn't work on the relationship. am i projecting like a mfer? ? For what we have (3 bedrooms, 1 bath on one side, 2 bedrooms, 1 bath on the other and a usable but not completely finished basement on both sides that are the size of the upstairs) we would have paid at least twice as much for a house with the same number of rooms (or even fewer). . Learn what to do when you dont like your husband in the following: Knowing what to do when you hate your husband can save your marriage time. Seen how she lived and what the conditions were? Free housing! Why do I feel like I hate my husband? Maybe because he stopped making an effort to look great. And I dont think the anger the commenters are feeling is inappropriate, either. Should I Tell My Boyfriend About My Debt?. LOL about the almost impaled my pregnant belly on a knife comment. If you cant pinpoint the cause you dislike your husband, check the following possible reasons why you hate your husband: Communication goes beyond what you engage in with friends and co-workers. Yes she had a free place to live, but how free was it considering they payed the bills, bought the groceries and more. 3. For whatever that is worth. You know- where folks can get an apartment-type setup, but they can get the level of help they need- be it someone to clean once a week or day or to help them get to appointments or take meds or whatever. Accepting that fact will save you from getting worried. In fact, someone else may be a far better option. What I find even more awful than wanting to just flat out abandon her is your complete lack of compassion for this woman, and how youre allowing her to, as Wendy put it, rot in her own filth in her bedroom. I think it would be an act of compassion to carefully consider that other people may have their own reasons for having a completely different set of expectations for themselves regarding their parents/in-laws besides just being a bad son or daughter that doesnt care about a helpless elder. There are ways to work this out without going crazy or ruining your marriage. If you cant get past why you hate your husband so much, it may be time for you to seek the help of a marriage counselor. Also, they offer proven methods that will save your marriage. Stay calm and think it through to evaluate your marriage and. Or is he open to other ideas that wouldnt require your family live with her but instead using some of Wendys ideas? But its nice to have a reminder that these judgements are only taking in account face value circumstances. Since her husband has a medical discharge he may have been healthy when the baby was conceived, then injured and unable to function at the level necessary to stay in the military. No one had medical training either so that made it extra difficult. I was also aware that his mother and father split when my husband was around 7 because his mom cheated on him. And it is very easy to assume one can imagine what it takes to care for someone. Is that right? Sylvia Smith loves to share insights on how couples can revitalize their love lives in and out of the bedroom. Understanding why you feel resentment in your marriage is the first step to understanding the full spectrum of emotions you harbor and deciding where your. I understand that she must have felt desperate, but shes calling out her MIL for having bad judgment (as a mother and grandmother), when it seems like the LWs judgment is questionable, too. 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