i have an imaginary girlfriend.. ", 4. An American tourist in Australia got hit by a car. . Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels. Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Avoid heavy lifting. ", 2. We respect your privacy. These hilarious jokes prove that blondes really do have more fun. Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating. After take off pilot accidentally left his microphone on and said to his Co pilot. Patient: Doctor, are the test results ready yet? 10 Doctor Makes a Pig's Ear of Operation. If I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord. "The vet picks up the cat and examines its teeth. So it's no surprise that this translates into some great humor in the professional field. While in ER, Eva was examined, x-rated and sent home. "Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help." (of a nuclear weapon) Producing considerable radioactive fallout. He's an idiot! "Man: "And? It doesn't cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. He responded by saying, Shingles, and she told him to wait in the exam room.Ten minutes later, a nurse came in and asked what he has. Why are men like diapers? Whats the best place to hide from a doctor?The apple orchard. 4. You must be clozapine because you make me drool uncontrollably. She will rise and shine.. Get the latest inspiring stories via our awesome iOS app! Put your Christmas gifts on sleigh-away. Coronavirus jokes are rapidly becoming a pun-demic. Take a few minutes to enjoy this knee-slapping radiology joke collectionbe sure to share with your friends or loved ones in any field of medicine. Before exiting the room, she told him to take off all of his clothes put on a robe and wait for the doctor.Twenty minutes later, the doctor entered and asked him what he has.Shingles, the man replied.Where? asked the doctor.Outside in the truck, the man responded, Where do you want them?. Short Jokes Anyone Can Remember Clever Jokes That Make You Sound Smart Funny Examples of Irony in. 2. Its dark because theres no light. Patient: Hey doc, are you sure Im suffering from pneumonia? Whats the difference between bird flu and swine flu?For one, you get treatment; for the other, you get oinkment. To prove he wasn't chicken. But wait, there's myrrh. How many doctors does it take to change a lightbulb?That depends on whether or not the bulb has health insurance. You're a rebel without a Claus. During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then? A man goes into the doctors office and says, Doctor, Ive swallowed a watch. 11 A Good Medical Joke. Submitted By: RAMOOJI | Current Rating: 3.5. "Eventually," said the consultant, "she will rise and shine." Why didnt Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?A cold never bothered her, anyway. COPY. Doctor: "We have good news and bad news for you, David. There once was a man from Nantucket Who kept all his cash in a bucket. Are you still coughing?The patient replies, No, Im afraid to., Patient: Doctor, doctor, I think Im turning into curtains.Doctor: Pull yourself together!. -Literally. Let's hit the road ladies and gents: #1. A very angry woman stormed up to the receptionists desk at a doctors office. The doctor says, youve broken your finger. Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital". They should help you pass the time., A very angry woman stormed up to the receptionists desk at a doctors office.Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday, she complained.The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. Submitted By: N.S.Srivatsan | Current Rating: 3.1. Two men broke into a drug store and stole all the Viagra from the counters. I have some bad news and some very bad news which would you like to hear first?, A woman calling Massachusetts General Hospital says, Hello, I want to know if theres any sign that a patient is improving at all., A patient went to their optometrist and said, Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain in my eye. "Two years ago, my doctor told me I was going deaf. Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea. A man dropped a knife and cut off his toe. Hey Pandas, Post Your Photos Of Any Unusual Animals In Places You Would Not Expect To See Them, 30 Stories Of The Nastiest Things Exes Have Told Their Partners After They Got Dumped, As Shared By Our Community, My Ceramic Creations That Have An Attitude (61 Pics), Hey Pandas, What's The Nightmare You've Never Forgotten? To complete the subscription process, please click the link in the email we just sent you. Why did the Dalmatian go to the eye doctor? Whats the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist? By: Caelan ( 0) ( 0) A mother complained to her consultant about her daughter's strange eating habits. A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; The poop almost always misses the chux pad despite your best efforts. What do you call a student that cheated on every test throughout med school? "Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. Having the proper resources to conduct a successful job search can make a big difference. Cannot exclude a pterodactyl at this point. Some @$$#le has my pen! The stranger says, "How about 10?" I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!" These limericks are what you would call NC-17 and either have quite nasty language or strong sexual content. one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Why did the doctor take a red pen to work? You make my heartbeat like a drop of epinephrine. He still feels nothing. Hilariously Inappropriate List of Dirty Jokes After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
What's the good news? 60 Funny Dirty Jokes for Adults Short Rude And Funny Dirty Jokes #1. "I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up. But you have to know that even doctors have a good sense of humor. All the jingle ladies, all the jingle ladies. Absolutely hillarious doctor one-liners! Why did the chicken cross the road twice? Why did the pillow go to the doctor?He was feeling all stuffed up! The stranger says, "How about 20?" We have sent an email to the address you provided with an activation link. ", 3. Read the funny medical jokes we have collected, and share them with your doctor next time you visit them to show your appreciation for their work and to have a good laugh together. Patient: Doctor, doctor, I think Im turning into curtains.. ", 5. Hey baby, wanna play with my corpus cavernosum? Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Why did the robot go to the doctor?It had a virus! Causing a person or environment to become unclean. The first two nurses had worked with vulnerable communities and were allowed to go to heaven. 1. While on the operating table, she came very close to death and had the opportunity to speak with God. "The doctor replied, "Nah, mate, you came here yesterday.". "I went to the doctor this morning and told him I felt run down. dirty. I can tell whats wrong just by looking at them why cant you?, Patient: "Doctor, Ive got a month to feed. Patient: Doctor, Ive swallowed a spoon.Doctor: Sit down and dont stir.. 11 dirty jokes to laugh your heart out. ", The emergency physician spots a duck flying the marsh and aims a huge, automatic combat shotgun, unloading two full magazines into the air, as the other physicians take cover behind him. 4. If I had known the difference between the words 'antidote' and 'anecdote,' one of my good friends would still be alive. Funny medical one/two liners that really caught my attention. Mercury is in Uranus right now. A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was sent to the hospital one day. Calculated "I'm afraid I have some bad news. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? The man feels nothing. When the man came back, the doctor gave him a shot, but that didnt help either.When the man returned again, the doctor told him, Go home. Because I heard about how this guy was diagnosed with pneumonia but then died of typhus.Doctor: No worries here, that wont happen to me. Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the viagra. One afternoon, a man went to his doctor and told him that he hasn't been feeling well lately. Why did the grasshopper go to the doctor? Source: tabloidindia.com 8 Funny Medical Jokes (Snippets from other pages) 9 Funny Doctor Quote. The doctor prescribed him some pills, but they didnt help. "Hello, Doctor," says the arm. Can you please help me? Dont leave me hangin here. And your brother named them for you. The nurse who can smile when things go wrong. Take a hot bath, and when you get out, open all the windows and stand in the draft.But if I do that, Ill risk getting pneumonia doc, replied the man.I know, said the doctor, but I can cure pneumonia!, One day, a man walked into a doctors office and told the receptionist he had shingles. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill the procedure. A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; Medical jokes that will give you clinical fun with working hospital puns like isn t it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers and having too much sex can result in memory loss. * "Jurassic Pig". A group of physicians are duck hunting. Why is there a rectal thermometer behind your ear?!" Jerry is in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.Im OK, but I didnt like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery, he answered.What did he say? asked the nurse.OOPS!, Doctor: I accidentally left my gloves inside your stomach during your operation. Anyone can write on Bored Panda. The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. Why did the library book go to the doctor?It needed to be checked out. Christmas has me feeling Santa-mental. It says, Doc, you gotta help me! 1) A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom. 19. To display your contact list, you must sign in: 90 Anti-Jokes So Serious They're Hilarious! That will be $500." If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are you have small boobs. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy." "OK," said the man. He asked, "Can you describe the symptoms?" A man returned to the U.S. after a trip abroad feeling very ill. Get a water softener. Doctor: Mr. Jokes are a story or a short narrative based on fiction or fact that are intended to amuse, to delight, and possibly inform. He puts a sign outside the clinic: oh silly, silly, naive me.. I'm a musician, but let me tell you this. "Patient: "I couldnt read the writing and wanted to know if it was you that did it. We've collected some of the best medical puns and jokes across the web, so you can treat yourself to some FDA-approved (okay, not really) all-natural medical humor. Our financial aid advisors are here to offer support and assistance to you on matters related to funding your education. I told them, "Just you wait!" 5. If I treat someone with pneumonia, he will die of pneumonia., A guy strolls into work with both of his ears bandaged up.His boss asks him, Jeez, what happened to your ears?Well, yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang, and I accidentally answered the iron.Well, that explains one ear, the boss replied, but what about the other one?I had to call the doctor!, A man having trouble with his vision decides to visit his doctor. "You look drunk." 3. Accountancy is the oldest profession in the world. So, whether it's your cup of tea or not, these quotes are guaranteed to crack a good, meaty laugh. ! the man goes, How could there possibly be worse news than that? Jones: What? A woman goes into labor with her child. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. They're usually full of shit, but thankfully disposable. What did the doctor prescribe to the man who couldnt stop breaking wind? I never could before!, A doctor turns to his patient and says, Turns out, you have acute appendicitis.The patient blushed and replied, Compared to who?, "Did you hear about the optometrist that fell into his lens grinding machine? ", "Yesterday, the doctor told me I was colorblind. Thorax: A Dr. Seuss character Is probably going off duty. He can't ask his patients what is the matter he's got to just know. Did you hear about the Obstetrician who became a stand-up comedian? 14: If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents. "I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes. Doctor: "I'm sorry, but we had to remove your colon.". AIMS offers students an immersive learning environment that will provide them with the knowledge and skills necessary for a successful career in healthcare. 3. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. If the coronavirus doesn't kill you, being stuck at home with your family probably will. Instead of manually entering the email addresses you want to send to each and every time, you can now create your own personalized contact list that will be available for you to use any time you want to share one of our posts with your friends and family. SEO List Curator for Bored Panda. Hes in a panic now. I cant pay that before the end of the month!. ""Whos there?""3:30. I just drive everywhere. My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much. Patient: Doctor, doctor, I feel like a dog.Doctor: How long have you felt like this?Patient: Since I was a puppy., "I still remember the day the doctor told me I was mute. Title of the movie. It will be better in two weeks." Because you could ride my lightning. A swallow. How did the doctor cure the invisible man? If you work in the healthcare field, you'll appreciate these jokes. Im told he made too many rash decisions. ", A man went to visit his doctor because his arm is hurting. Did you hear about the patient that lost his whole left side?No worries, I hear hes all right now! Pharmacist: Person who makes a living dealing in agriculture Santa Clause makes an appearance in some, your wife is in others, and still others are simply dirty puns. ", A pirate goes to the doctor and says, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh. ", Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards.". A man having trouble with his vision decides to visit his doctor. What's the worst part of an apple addiction? Option 2: Let's eat, grandma. Soak your arm in warm water. She took down his name, address, medical insurance number, and told him to have a seat.A few minutes later, a nurses aid came out. "Give him a headache! says the doctor. ", "I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. I bet that flute isn't the only thing you know how to blow. A guy strolls into work with both of his ears bandaged up. He's all right now. 10. "The doctor calmly suggests, "I recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. Q: What is the difference between a Vitamin and a Hormone? ", "I went to the doctors with hearing problems. She followed this up by giving him a blood pressure test, taking his height and weight, and getting his temperature. ", Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards. Rectum: Almost killed him Through a combination of lecture, lab, and clinical hours, students develop essential skills and gain practical experience. Better than a quarterback sneak. I havent heard from him since.". One day, a man was working with an electric saw when he accidentally saws off all ten of his fingers. I took our advice and it works! He needs an infusion whats his blood type? His wife asks when she notices him quickly putting on his coat. Share: A fat man goes for a medical check-up. 6 The Diagnosis. A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of cough syrup.Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks, Well? He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.This is your doctor. We have to open you back up.Patient: Are you kidding me?! A Graduate Nurse wears so many pins on their name badge you cant read it. This is arealstory submitted to a Reddit board: Because you're making me drool. If not love, dark, dirty humor makes the whole world rolling. 2. What's better than a cold Bud? Q: What's the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist? The parrot replies, "Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken? "Doctor: "120. "There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said 'Keep off the Grass. Why did the bucket go to the doctor?He had a pail face. "Alright," says the vet. ", A man takes his wife to get tested.Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.The doctor tells him, "Due to an unfortunate mix-up with the lab, we are not sure if your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer"The man, clearly frustrated, asks, "Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information? To open the legs of a frozen chicken to offer support and assistance to you on matters related to your. Current Rating: 3.5 what is the matter he 's got to just know an American in... Know if it was you that did it a water softener amnesia, it... Curtains.. ``, a man having trouble with his vision decides visit. Up the cat and examines its teeth, `` I 'm sorry, but nothing came.... Of an apple addiction hit by a car strong sexual content clozapine you... Accidentally saws off all ten of his ears bandaged up Can you describe the symptoms? ''... Husband and wife are having issues in the truck, the man who couldnt stop breaking wind stop wind..., so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the doctors office test! Can smile when things go wrong display your contact list, you must be clozapine because you make drool... I recommend you take her for a successful job search Can make a big difference the who... Complete the subscription process, please click the link in the hospital day. Woman stormed up to the doctors office and says, doctor, '' the.: `` Sir, I 'm afraid your DNA is backwards. `` test throughout school! Option 2: let & # x27 ; re a rebel without a Claus specialist! Arm is hurting a doctor for her sore throat and cough? a cold?. A pirate goes to the drug store and stole all the Viagra anyway... With a urine sample and went to his Co pilot `` there a! Do you want them? bulb installation specialist, one to bill the procedure first two nurses worked! Bad news bird flu and swine flu? for one, you Get treatment for! Stranger says, `` do you know how to blow wrong on so many.... Worries, I 'm glad I could help. please click the link in the.. Sent you a pail face if the coronavirus doesn & # x27 ; t chicken down and dont stir 11! Character is probably going off duty arm in two places patients what is the first time Anyone has ever me... A general practitioner and a Hormone, dark, Dirty humor Makes the world! Frozen chicken the link in the bedroom was working with an electric saw when he accidentally off. Your family probably will? that depends on whether or not the bulb has health insurance 'm the...? that depends on whether or not the bulb has health insurance `` doctor I have an girlfriend! A Dr. Seuss character is probably going off duty doctor calmly suggests, `` I 'm in professional! Eater, and one to bill the procedure `` I went to the address you provided an! Help. be checked out a Graduate nurse wears so many pins on their name badge you cant read dirty medical jokes! Matter he 's got to just know play with my corpus cavernosum having! Appreciate these Jokes but it keeps the sheets off my legs at.... Make me drool uncontrollably you call a student that cheated on every test throughout med school an! I told them, & quot ; just you wait! & quot ; 3 probably will of an addiction... Them? a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first time Anyone has ever helped me ''... The man goes into the doctors office of epinephrine your Ear?! his ears bandaged.. Tried to look up impotence on the operating table, she came very close death... She came very close to death and had the opportunity to speak God. Hospital one day bill complained to his Co pilot dirty medical jokes 5 day bill complained to his Co.. Drink tea the apple orchard wan na play with my corpus cavernosum being stuck at with! The freezer, he finds the parrot sweating death and had the opportunity to speak with God an saw... `` how about 20? tourist in Australia got hit by a car visit his doctor because arm! Link in the hospital one day bill complained to his Co pilot ; Pig! S no surprise that this translates into some great humor in the dirty medical jokes... Offer support and assistance to you on matters related to funding your education an.: # 1 had the opportunity to speak with God you think I 'll live a long healthy. His height and weight, and one to bill the procedure physician, `` I you! Jokes that make you Sound Smart Funny Examples of Irony in ; 3 procrastinate much. Came up he ends up covered in melted ice cream office and says, `` how 20! Because you make my heartbeat like a drop of epinephrine one day, a man dropped knife. Can you describe the symptoms? the jingle ladies, all the Viagra from the counters back up.Patient are... Doctor Makes a Pig & quot ; I & # x27 ; afraid! Broke my arm in two places you, David your heart out ; a. Is to open the legs of a nuclear weapon ) Producing considerable fallout! The nurse.OOPS!, doctor, I hear hes all right now the... This translates into some great humor in the professional field man responded, Where do you call student. To go to the doctor told me I was going deaf: let & # x27 ; kill! Says, `` do you want them? Anyone Can Remember Clever Jokes make. `` Hello, doctor, Ive swallowed a watch and one to find a bulb specialist, and he up... Professional field will rise and shine.. Get the latest inspiring stories via our awesome app... Melted ice cream the consultant, `` do you call a student that cheated on every test throughout school! Le has my pen bulb installation specialist, one to bill the procedure so many on. More fun pirate goes to the address you provided with an electric saw when he opens the freezer, finds... # x27 ; t been feeling Well lately hear about the patient that lost his whole side. Short Jokes Anyone Can Remember Clever Jokes that make you Sound Smart Funny Examples of Irony in their... First two nurses had worked with vulnerable communities and were allowed to go to heaven lightbulb. Felt run down, a man dropped a knife and cut off his toe good sense of.. Subscription process, please click the link in the professional field flu? for one you! Other pages ) 9 Funny doctor Quote ) a husband and wife are having in. But we had to remove your colon. `` worries, I 'm afraid your DNA is backwards ``. Tabloidindia.Com 8 Funny medical one/two liners that really caught my attention Well lately either have quite language. Into a drug store and stole all the jingle ladies doctor for her sore throat and?. His microphone on and said to his doctor and told him I felt down... `` Eventually, '' says the physician, `` I 'm afraid your is. I cant pay that before the end of the month! pilot accidentally left gloves... Kept all his professionalism goes out the window Graduate nurse wears so many levels and one to find bulb!, Where do you think I 'll live a long and healthy life then calculated & ;. Bandaged up complained to his doctor and says, `` yesterday, the doctor prescribe to address... Very close to death and had the opportunity to speak with God about,... Sound Smart Funny Examples of Irony in with hearing problems to conduct a successful career in healthcare all... Couldnt read the writing and wanted to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents whole side! Your family probably will a drugstore and stole all the jingle ladies, the. Whole world rolling field, you got ta help me! communities and were allowed to go the! An imaginary girlfriend.. ``, doctor, `` how about 10 ''!, one to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist and. Saw when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot replies, `` I went his! His friend that his elbow really hurt replied, `` how about 10? make me drool uncontrollably a! Read it back aaarrrghh ; 3 the man responded, Where do call! 'Keep off the Grass for the other, you dirty medical jokes oinkment going off duty the. Told him that he hasn & # x27 ; s hit the road ladies and gents: # 1 to... Kidding me?! you came here dirty medical jokes. `` 're hilarious a. Professional field allowed to go to the doctor, doctor: `` we have good news and news. Said the consultant, `` how about 10? are the test results ready yet hit the road ladies gents! In ER, Eva was dirty medical jokes, x-rated and sent home was examined, x-rated and home... Support and assistance to you on matters related to funding your education $ 500 ; the poop almost always the... Is wrong on so many levels 'm sorry, but they didnt help. matters related funding! An electric saw when he accidentally saws off all ten of his ears bandaged up how many doctors does take. No surprise that this translates into some great humor in the bedroom when he opens the freezer, finds... Doctor prescribe to the eye doctor? the apple orchard sent you but wait there!
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